Another Life Change

Was it really only six months ago that my father died?

...3 months ago that I sold my parents house and moved mother to an assisted living home near me?

...1 month ago that I defined, in my words, being old?

Today I must report that my mother has died.

I am happy that both of my parents died while they were still relatively happy and mobile. All of my grandparents suffered miserably before dying. They were able to end that particular cycle of events.

Still.....

Today I made Dennis promise that he would not die within the next 6 months. I am simply not ready for that.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Sundowners

Sundowners disease.

Cyndi, my non-SIL in California, first mentioned this to me last spring when we were trying to figure out what to do with Mother for the rest of her life. She did quite a bit of online research, and it made sense.

Then, as I was reading the thoughts and writings of other boomers, I heard other people mention this new phenomenon. It seems people with Alzheimer's Disease get more confused and frustrated once the sun sets.

Today, I fully witnessed this phenomenon.

We had Hamed and Ashely over for their birthdays. We broiled steaks, had wine (Ashely turned 21!) and then watched football. It was the Vikings (Dennis's and Hamed's team favorite team) vs the Packers (Ma's team), but they didn't play until 3:15. Dennis had playfully made Ma put on a Vikings jersey and he wore his very own. Everyone, including Ashley and me (we both dislike football), were enjoying the game and sharing stories.

About 5:00, the sun began to set. First Dennis said he needed to lay down. Once I had him in bed, I asked Hamed if he would drive Mother back to JH. Then she began to fidget. "You can take me home whenever...", "Is the game almost over? I want to see the end, but, does Hamed know where I live?" "Is it dinner time? Did I eat dinner?" "Do they need to walk me up? Do I need to check in?"

Finally, I admitted defeat. I needed to take Mother back to her home. As soon as I said, "Let's go, Mom, I will drive you home," she settled down and we left immediately. She wanted to get into her pajamas immediately and get into bed when we entered her room.

On the drive back I was wondering if light therapy would help those with neurological disorders. I must remember to look that up.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

A Sunday in the Day of Me

Believe me when I say I am not whining her or complaining in any way what-so-ever. What I am doing is putting down a very matter of fact recall of my day. Sunday, the day of rest, by the way.

I woke up at 7:30, after an undisturbed night sleep. Thank you, Dennis, for listening to Celeste, our new therapist, and following her instructions. Dennis was staring at me when I rolled over with, "I didn't wake you up!" Oh, if we all could have so much pride in our accomplishments.

At 7:45, I got up for a stop in the bathroom, put water on for coffee and headed back to the bedroom. I propped up Dennis, who decided he wanted to sit in his wheel chair. I helped him stand, sit and then pushed him in the dining area, where a chair was removed for him. Nope, he wanted to sit at the other end of the table. So I moved another chair and pushed him in to the new spot.

Then I toasted him an English muffin, buttered and jellied it up. I poured a bowl of applesauce with cinnamon, his fave today, and fetched his morning meds. These, I placed in yogurt and fed to him slowly. I opened up a coke, put in a straw, and handed him his left over blueberry muffin from Saturday morning at Perkins. I fetched him the newspaper, a drool rag and a blanket for his legs.

Kitty was going crazy with the rubbing of my legs by now, so I fed her and cleaned her box. Then I made my coffee with heated cream, Gharedelli chocolate and cinnamon. I now demanded my fifteen minutes of carefree life. I stared at the walls, listened to acoustical radio and flipped through the comic section of the paper.

Then it was shower time for Dennis. I got the shower ready, clothes ready, and wash cloths with poopy butt soap, face soap and body soap. I gathered the shampoos, cleaners and rinsing hose around him and helped him into the shower. First it was a butt up cleaning then sitting down in the chair for him to do most of it on his own.

I turned on the baby monitor, and went to wash my face, comb my hair and get dressed. As soon as Dennis was out, I needed to get to the hospital to pick up Ma. After a few minutes Dennis was finished and it was wipe down, change leg bags, pull on diapers and slippers, and today, a simple robe.

Two feedings later, I ran to pick up clothing for mother from JH, moved some essentials from one apartment to another, and then headed to pick her up. Thankfully, the paper work was ready, and it was only 30 minutes at the hospital before we were headed out.

Her new room was ready, sort of. There always seems to be problems with remote controls where ever we go, and Mother does not like to be without her TV. I finally found a room for her to watch the football game. I was pretty adamant about them finding a remote before she returned to her room for dinner.

Then it was grocery shopping and a trip to Walgreen's for essentials for Dennis. Then hauling everything upstairs, unpacking and putting it all away before giving Dennis one more feeding. Now cleaning the cupboards, putting away the grocery bags, and pouring myself a glass of wine - at last.

Yes, dinner is still ahead, but Dennis should be full from all the tube feedings, and frankly a glass of wine sounds better than finding the right sauce for chicken, cooking pasta, and then finding out Dennis does not want to eat it, anyway.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Changes, Care-giving and Other Such Stuff

It is Saturday morning shower time for Dennis. Once we get his poopy butt clean, he sits in an IKEA metal chair for the rest of his shower. At this stage of the shower, I get about fifteen minutes to myself.

We purchased a baby monitor a few months back, and it works like a dream. I no longer have to sit in the bathroom to watch for problems. Then we bought an extension shower head, so he can turn the water off and on by himself. These to simple solutions bring me 15 minutes of peace on Saturdays.

As a care-giver, I have learned to relish these moments of worry free times. Sure, I still need to be here, and yes, I must be attentive, but it still gives me a few minutes of hands off care-giving.

When I was a young teen, I hated baby sitting and decided never to have children. And here I sit enjoying the freedom that a baby monitor gives to me. When I was an older teen, my grandmother, Ho Ho, needed to have help when my grandfather went to work. I adored her, but really did not like looking after someone who needed help. When I first went to college, I wanted to become a nurse, but I found out. I did not really like sick people. Yet, here I am.

Life stands in the way of plans and contradicts our belief systems. I always knew I could never do what I am doing, today. Yet, I suppose I must have been wrong. What do I believe now? I am not sure, not quite yet, but I think that it is much different than what I have always known to be my own reality.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Shit, I am Old

Just how old are you when you find yourself the official closer on your mother and father's 30 year home? Or, maybe better asked, when your partner falls down three times in one week?

There are significant events in your life that make you realize that you have aged. For some people, the 30th, 40th, 50th 0r 60th birthdays are milestones (I don't yet know beyond the 6th decade). For me, the years haven't meant as much as the events that have happened along the way.

In the past few years I have lost my waist line. This has been a huge reminder of my own age. OLD. Mary, of Peter, Paul and Mary, died two days ago at the age of 72. I thought about how young 72 is - another indication that I am rather old. I am OLD.

I need some time to accept this new thought in my head. What is the routine? Anger, denial then acceptance?

Okay, I am angry! I am old! Grrrrrr!!

Until later
Ann and Dennis

Sunday Woes

Okay, I admit that this post is a complete whine. I am feeling sorry for myself in the biggest way. I also know that I will get over this latest gripe in my life and move on to better things. However, it is my prerogative to whine, and your choice to read or leave this behind.

It is football season. To many, this is a reason to celebrate. For me, it is what hell would look like if I believed in such a place. Ever since the Packers found Lombardi and then Brett Starr, I hated football. It was noisy, too competitive and it irritated the hell out of me. Then, moving to Minnesota during the heyday and the likes of the ladies man, Tommy Kramer, I really began to hate the game.

However, everyone around me seemed to love the game. I learned to deal with one Sunday game, and then the game expanded to Monday nights, then Thursday nights and then Sunday day and night. A girl, like me, can only tolerate so much.

So enter the era of Mother living in Minneapolis, and Dennis being a sports fan. Couple this with Sunday being the day I have selected to have Mother hang with us, and you may find one unhappy Ann for the next few months.

I need to find a way to trick them both into wanting to do anything other than watch football.

Today I read, cooked, cleaned up and started tomorrows dinner during the game. It still was only half time after all of that.

In the meantime, I moved mom and Dennis to and from the table, 3 times. I went for a walk at half time with Mother. I even tried watching the game for a while. But, all I was doing was going a bit nuttier than usual. Always, in the back ground, was this irritating noise, and two people cheering over young boys in peddle pushers throwing a ball around. A few years ago, I could have at least appreciated the beauty of the young boys, but now they simply look like the children with whom I work. Yuck.

I will need to figure out a new plan for next Sunday. Clearly, this one is not working. Wish me luck, please.

Until later
Ann and Dennis

Sold.

My parent's house was picked up by a couple seeking a good deal, and I was agreeable. They offered a lot less than we asked, but I knew we had asked too much. They agreed to a counter offer, and want to close quickly. They have cash and are excited to move. I will be happy to have this off of my plate.

Or will I?

My parents had this home built 30 years ago. None of us children have ever really lived there. Early on, my sister and I stayed for a few months at a time, but it has never been "our family home." We have had family Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, and such at this home, but none of us have ever had a full time family experience in this house. It has always been our parent's home, not our home.

Still, there is something a bit bittersweet about this particular ending. I remember the house being built, in this new area of the town where we all grew up. I remember the cool bricks they picked out for the biggest fireplace that I had ever seen. My father even put in the first sun heated water system, an unheard of concept at the time. I was proud of my folks at the time. This was a new feeling for me, and the house still holds these memories.

I suppose this house represents my adult years, and all the changes that have occurred between the ages of 20 and 60 (or close to it). I am happy that someone wants to buy it and update it and make it their own; I don't hold "stuff" as mine. Yet, there is no longer a place for any of us in Eau Claire - the town I grew up in and the town that holds happy, as well as sad, memories.

And that is all I have to say for now.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

A Balancing Act

I am trying to figure out how to handle being a care-giver to two people. I am not my mother's official or primary care-giver, but she does depend on me for quite a bit, and these needs will only grow as time goes by. (I hear a tune in my ear...). We pay for Dennis to have a PCA while I am at work, but I am always his primary. I might as well admit that, at work, I am also more or less a care-giver. I help adults. parents and children figure out how to play the game of school. Well, maybe that's more a problem solving job, but some of the individuals really need lots of attention.

For a change, I am not complaining. I am trying to figure out how to find real balance in my life without turning into a drunk or a bitch. Or, for that matter, both.

Today, at work, I presented the new plan for a positive school climate. Translate positive school climate to mean poor behavior, and some teachers get their dander up. It's a sore topic, no matter how a person approaches it. My boss and I found a fun way to approach the topic, and, at least for today, it worked.

Then I came home. A message from Dennis' PCA, a message from Jones-Harrison, mom's new home, and a message from the Air Force, mom's insurance provider. There is always more work.

I know I am only working 4 days a week this year. But we haven't decided if this means more work for me, or if we will pay for someone to come in for Dennis on my day off. My boss, also, hasn't figured out that I am unavailable on Fridays - she has staff meetings and training she wants me to attend on those days.

I also am better than most at finding ways to take care of myself. I am basically a selfish person, so I am skilled at putting myself at the forefront. But this is all so new to me. I will figure it out, I always do, but if you have any good advice, I am listening.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Moving Out

This has been, without any doubt, one of the most tiring weeks of my life. I am grateful that I had a good friend, JoAnn by my side every day of my mother's house clean up and thrift sale readiness. I am also happy that Jane could join us for 2 of those 3 days, and worked hard to get the job done on time. In addition, my uncle joined us to haul furniture, wood and garbage and lots of moral support. Then Celina and Joe, the young students who helped us in exchange for some furniture for their home, worked hard to get the house 'sale' ready.

A few neighbors and old friends also stopped by to wish us all well. For some of my parent's friends, they have been together since before any children were born. For others, newer friends, but just as loyal and caring. Tragedies really do bring out the best in some people. In others, it forces them to retreat and hide. In many, it just highlights the natural goodness that some people are gifted with.

Tubby, my uncle and Kathy, my aunt, shared with me at the end of the day, a successful estate sale. They were proud to tell me the ex-teachers and students that stopped by and named many friends that stopped in just to see the house. I imagine it was just a last goodbye, even no one they wished to say the words to, were actually around.

Mother, on the other hand, seems to be settling in well. She went on 2 field trips this weekend. One, she can't remember enough to tell me and the other was to Stillwater for a lunch. I encouraged her to go to a work out, and she stayed or News and Talk. She seems to be getting comfortable in her new setting.

Until tomorrow
Ann and Dennis

A Mother Day

Today was a day with Mother. This means a 2 hour drive, a visit with repetitive conversations, a confused woman, and a woman who really, really needs to work hard on her patience. Today we were both able to laugh and hide our frustrations.

Mom is moving up to Minneapolis in two weeks to move into an assisted living apartment very near me. She wants to, which is a blessing, but she is overwhelmed. This is understandable. I have tried to take away as much of the decision making as possible, by choosing her apartment and setting up the details. She, however, was the one to make the final decision about changing the city she lives in for the rest of her life.

Today, I went to take care of some business, but also help her decide on what she would take. I told her she had room for 2 chairs and a table, and then asked which she would like to take. She couldn't decide. I told her she had room for art work, and should take 2 or 3 paintings. She told me to pick them out. Thankfully, I knew she liked the Cassatt and then she picked out a Picasso (that surprised me!).

I know this is hard. I know she really doesn't care what she is surrounded with in her new home. I really don't think she cares about much of anything, anymore. I think moving her into her own apartment with people her own age will be good for her. She is already talking about how she will go out of her way to meet other people. She was excited about "movie night" and thought she would like to take in some movies. Her attitude is good.

This post was a ramble, I know.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Money and Care

I have been trying to find my mother a decent place to live in an assisted living complex. It seems like it should be easy, but I am finding out that it is not. Every single place is completely different in what they offer. Some rooms have only a bed and a sitting area, others have full bathrooms and full kitchens, and yet others, have no private bathroom at all.

I remember last year when Dennis was in after care at a nursing facility, and how much he hated the place and the experience. It made him feel old and useless. I actually think he deteriorated more by staying in the facility than he would have had he been at home.

It also comes down to money. Private pay gets you a better place, but there is only so much money in this world. I can find better places in Minneapolis, but they are even more expensive.

It seems very unfair to me, given my mom's and Dennis' conditions, that money should be a factor in the type of care that they get. Shouldn't the sick and old get the best care, no matter what the financial status of the person? Something in our system is very broken.