Monday, January 10, 2011

About Saturday, 1/08/2011

Dennis woke me up about 12:30 with his gurgling in his throat. I got up and tried to suction it out and he bit down, and ended up nicking off the tip. I tried to reach it, but he bit me and it went further down the throat.

Despite his wishes, I had to call ER to see if they could get it out. There was no way that I could let something as silly as a blue piece of rubber be the death of him.

As we sat in ER, reading over his health care directive with the doctor, I was writing a blog entry in my mind. I was going to make it a light story, and end it with "he is resting well at home."

But that was not to be the case.

I was on the phone all evening with the on-call hospice nurse. We were trying to figure out a way to get him back home once the little blue devil had been removed. We worked together on getting oxygen for him at home by 4:30 AM, then moved it to 8:00 AM when it was apparent we were not going to get home before sunrise.

The ER staff recommended a few things that were not heroic. They were unable to reach the blue devil, but with a camera at the end of a tube they were able to spot it laying on top of his voice cord. Dennis was clenching his jaw. In the very tiny recesses of my mind, I suppose I knew that was his was of saying "No", but it wasn't making much sense to me at that moment. Someone said this is a natural reflex and  I said go ahead.

They sedated him because he was still holding his mouth shut at all costs. I opened one of his lids and he was still sparkling, looking at me with love. I asked him if he would cooperate and open his mouth and he squeezed my hand, saying yes. Looking back, I know he was just doing this for me.

Within minutes it had been removed and I cheered, but one nurse said - "not yet." They injected him with something to counter-act the sedative and with the aid of a mask and a hand held pump, they got him breathing again. Not entirely on his own, but he was breathing. The nurse and I rubbed his chest and encouraged him to breath. As we did this he would take deeper breaths on his own.

Then they told me he had pneumonia and would need to stay at the hospital. I said I wanted him treated at home. I was told it would be impossible to transport him at this time, and that he would need to stay for a while. They changed the hand-held pump to a machine to support his breathing. The antibiotics were then started.

Then they tried to suction him out. He spewed out green bile all over the place - both out his nose and mouth. I took this as a good sign; they were clearing his lungs and he would be home for our 8:30 appointment with the hospice pharmacy and visiting nurse.

He was stable, and I asked if I could leave to drive the 2 miles to my house, brush my teeth and feed the cat. "Yes! I am right here watching and he is doing great." I returned 20 minutes later and they were preparing to move him to a room. I followed along.

Dennis has had cases of pneumonia before, and I figured he was going to general population. But we stopped on the ICU floor. He was wheeled into a room, surrounded by nurses and doctors asking questions, changing his breathing mask, trying to suction him again, giving him more drugs......

After I was able to reorient myself, I asked the doctor how long they were going to keep up this drug routine.

Until he can breath on his own.

How long will that be?

I don't know.

Is this worth it, I asked him - will he improve?

Are you asking will he ever leave the hospital?

I suppose that is one way to put it.

I have very little doubt that he will ever leave here.

Then we need to pull off the oxygen, all the other supports and let him go now.

So they did. The nurse pulled him over to one side of the bed, and made room for me. She removed the mask and removed the wires and all the other jazz that was standing in my way of holding him close to me. And I held him. I held him until he took his last breath. I held him for a few more minutes and then left the room to tell the doctor. He was pronounced dead at 8:30 on January 8, 2011.

Until a bit later,
Ann, without Dennis

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Ann.

God bless.
Lola

HZW said...

Thinking of you at this horrible time. Funny how it's always the unexpected. Not the dying, you knew that was inevitable but the timing and the way. Nothing can make it better right now but know that people are thinking of you and are sad for you and your loss of Dennis and for Dennis too.
God bless you both.

Keri Teigen said...

No matter how sick or elderly someone may be, when you love them you can never be prepared to lose them. :( God bless you, Ann, for being so selfless taking care of him right to the end. Dennis was very blessed to have you, and you to have him. Love never ends.

May said...

My sympathies, Ann. Please know that you are my thoughts at this time. Dennis was very lucky to have you by his side through this entire journey. My heart goes out to you and your families.

Unknown said...

Ann: You are an amazing woman! Please know that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey with us! God's blessings to you and Dennis' family during this difficult time and always!

Ann said...

Thank you, one and all. Dennis had a full life, albeit a shorter life than we had wished.

My love to all of you in each of your own struggles.

Thank you for letting me share our life with you.

kg said...

It sounds like you were strong enough to give him the kind of death he might want..... being held by his one true love. Good for you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this personal moment Ann! many blessings moving forward!

Lisa Peters

Ruth said...

I am so glad you were there with him at the end, Ann, and that you were able to hold him as he left. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. You are a wonderful, caring, human being.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ann. It's always too soon.

I hope you will still have a blog - I would miss you.

Tracy

Ann said...

Thank you, again.

I don't know Tracy, and others that have asked. Our story is over. My story is starting anew. Right now life is filled with mundane chores. When all of that is done, perhaps....

Anonymous said...

Ann, I cannot tell you how much I have been thinking about you and Dennis lately. It was expected...but then it was so unexpected. I remember even telling you that morning that I would be able to work this coming weekend because I just figured he would overcome that hospital stay.
I will be missing you and Dennis on my weekends. I hope you continue to write, even if its not about MSA. I know your life is very busy right now so I don't expect you to. But, I would just like to see how you are doing.
Thinking of you,
Natalie

Val said...

Ann, You will never know perhaps how many people were reading your blog and didn't know how to answer or what to say. I have been reading your blog for months and holding both of you close in my prayers and concerns. I also love your cat, Shiva. I hope you will find your blog helpful in your healing process now. Let us help you .....you are a very good writer. Now it is time to be gentle with yourself. God Bless you, Ann. Valerie

Debra said...

Wow Ann. I have followed your blog long before my mother died and after. I truly feel your loss, because I have been feeling my own this week. I know life will be different, but you'll go on. Knowing he isn't suffering from this disease anymore will get you through the darker moments. Take care...Debra

MelissaSorg said...

I stumbled upn your blog by way of the MSA yahoo group. I just want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss, I also know this pain, my mom Joyce, 63, passed away on Jan 8th as well from complications of aspiration pneumonia, from MSA. January has been a terrible month. I have been reading posts on the Facebook group, so many losses in January. I know there are no words really to comfort, nothing anyone says makes it easier. I hope you have family and friends for good support, I am struggling, and the only comfort I seem to find is in knowing that she is suffering no longer. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your blog. Thank you for being so brave as to tell this story. My ex husband died of this disease( his name also was Dennis). I was not able to be there with him. I appreciate your sharing. Please keep up informing others of this terrible disease.

gumbypoole aka Scott Poole said...

Ann,

Bless you and your husband. Unfortunately I just found your blog. My wife, Carol, went to the hospital two weeks ago today and did not come out. She was diagnosed with MSA in February of 2007. I too have a blog where I tried to track our journey at www.livingwithasnowman.blogspot.com

I plan to continue reading your posts. I hope you have acheived some peace now. I know I am still struggling.

Scott Poole

mobile crusher said...

Thank you for sharing your blog. Thank you for being so brave as to tell this story.

Mary Ann said...

Ann, my heart goes out to you. You have traveled the road I am now on. My darling husband who is about to turn 55 was diagnosed with MSA two years ago. He is still doing somewhat well, but I know it is a matter of time as there has been a recurrance of some problems mainly freezing and now some kind of strange seizures. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one to go through this from your blog. God Bless you and pray form me and Gary.
--Mary Ann

**** April **** said...

I have a friend going through MSA right now with her husband, Frank Cervone. He's been writing and documenting his journey on a website called Hollywoodrepublican.net I think his spirit is what's really keeping him going at this point. He's at the Cleveland Clinic right now and is deteorating and it's so hard for me to hear Susan... she's just not going to know what to do with herself without having him to care for. :( Sigh... I love the way you wrote this last entry of your time together... if that's how it had to be, I'd want to be in the arms of someone who loves me, too.