I have said it before, and I will say it again. I was not cut out to be a carer.
Years and years and years ago, I thought about becoming a nurse. I did not like the chemistry classes - or at least that is what I told myself. Then I considered a special education license - but it was way too much for me. When a 30 something put her hands in her pants and told me she could not have sex tonight, I freaked out. I left school for the next 10 years.
I have grown up a bit since then, but not so much that I don't gag at picking poop off of a butt full of hair. I don't like digging for the phloem in the throat or changing a diaper for the third time in a day. It's good I did not become a nurse.
I do love this man, but 4 days alone with his neediness is enough to cause thoughts of of self-suicide. I am a loving person, and I do adore Dennis, but he is sooooo needy and soooooo full of complaints.
I tried, again, to explain to him that I need my "bank" to be filled. Complaints only deplete the bank. The simplest of complaints can bring me to my knees. I need to be filled.
And, as Dennis does, he finally listened. He needed to be nebbed and suctioned out at 5am this morning, and he thanked me. And then he thanked me again.
I wish he could fill my bank by making me dinner, or setting out wine and cheese. I wish It could be easy for both of us. But mostly I need a lack of complaints. I just need thanks and acceptance. I am far from perfect, but I try very hard. I need acknowledgement. That's not so much - but it may be difficult for us to figure out.
Ann and Dennis
5 comments:
Ann, I admire your persistence and your honesty. I agree that some people just aren't cut out to do what you do on a daily basis; yet you do it anyway. That, to me, is true courage!
((((HUGS))))
You are enduring the worst thing I can think of, seeing a loved one die very slowly inch by inch. Most would have given up and put their loved one in a nursing home. But you are persevering and you can have no idea how much I admire you. I read your blog because my husband has something neurological too and Shy Drager has been mentioned although not as yet been officially diagnosed so we still have some hope. I thank you for all you do for Dennis and for being such an inspiration to me.
You're a good person, Annie.
Thanks everyone. It is becoming more and more difficult to watch this man lose his ability to do anything. He is dying before my very eyes. Heather, I hope shy-drager proves not to be the diagnosis. But, if it is, I wish you strength and love.
Ann, You are awesome and I know how you feel only you have it way worse. I say the same thing--I don't do butts! I hate it. But I have to help mom with suppositories, clean her wound etc and its yucky--but I don't have to do it everyday. It is so sad to truly think about what is happening to your loved one--just live with the peace that you ARE doing the best you can and he is lucky to have you help him make his days as good as possible. Hang in there enjoy your vacation.
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