Stablilizing

Last summer, everything in our lives was changing so fast that I was sure I would have something new and exciting to write about each and everyday. A blog was born with a promise of a new entry every day for one year.

Well, life does happen, and illnesses do stabilize. I have been sick, and Dennis is stable. I have not needed to write as often, to release my angst, and Dennis' life is a bit easier, in some ways.

The falls for Dennis are, for the most part, an event of the past. He has learned how to walk with aides, people, walkers or chairs, and avoid dangerous situations. It's part acceptance of the reality of his disease and party fear of what the next fall could mean.

His blood pressure has stabilized, also causing fewer falls. This is because he takes fewer medications and he is more aware of when he should and shouldn't move. Sometimes a guy just shouldn't stand up.

The catheter has taken care of the need for daily bedding change. My days have stopped centering around a bed stripping, washing and redoing.

The Courage Center has been wonderful for Dennis. He is able to work out on disability friendly weight machines and his muscles are becoming stronger once again. He enjoys the time there, and feels able once again.

A year can bring about so much change, good and bad. For the most part the last few months have been great. We both needed this - a bit of stability and time for acceptance.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Eye of the Winter Storm

Dennis had an appointment with one of his doctors today, but it was cancelled due to a winter storm. The storm was suppose to begin around 10am, but actually hit right smack dab in the middle of the first lunch/recess time at noon, CST.

We are suppose to be okay with snow storms in Minnesota, but the truth is, we are never really ready. Sure, we have the snow removal equipment, but money is always tight, and snow is never really removed before it is a tad too late.

So, a drive home from work, on a day when it is snowing, is long, long, long. My drive is usually 20 minutes. During a snow storm, the time doubles, at the least, but more likely the time triples. Since it began snowing at noon, and was expected to last about 8 hours, the 5 pm drive would have lasted over an hour.

So, when Dennis called and told me the appointment had been cancelled, I cheated. I pretended that nothing had changed and I left an hour earlier than usual. And I ended up saving an hours worth of driving and an hours worth of gas. I didn't feel entitled or guilty. I just felt a bit dishonest for not admitting the truth.

Right or wrong, I can live with this.

Cabin Fever

This has been one of the worst years for cabin fever in a very long time. Of course, my memory is short and I may have said the very same thing last year. But, for at least today, I say it most emphatically - everyone I know is suffering from the winter yucks.

The kids are really icky at school, and we are all running out of patience. The adults at work are the second signal that this winter is way too long and crummy. We all want the kids, and their parents, to go far, far away. We want each other to go far, far away. No one is happy.

Tomorrow is Jenny Lind Pride at school. All of the students that have been referral free for the month get to spend a little bit of time having nothing but fun, fun, fun. It's a ton a work for me, but the kids that attend, love it. Most of the staff enjoy these events, but some (the curmudgeon, for one), seems to feel that an hour or two a month is too much time away from academics.

During the fall and spring, these people don't bother me too much, but during the winter, well, it's a whole different story.They really bug me during cabin fever time. In my mind, everyone needs to enjoy life a bit more. I imagine that I really bother the overly serious, as much as they bother me.

It's time for spring.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Odds and Ends

Dennis finally heard from Mayo regarding his last heart test. He failed, again. Now we know for sure that he does not have Shy-Drager.

Dennis' insurance is more messed up than we thought. Nothing is being covered right now, and one customer representative told me that he only has coverage from an HMO in Wisconsin. Huh? Another mess to sort out.

Dr. Kimpinski, at the Mayo, is trying to find help for Dennis to see a movement disorder specialist in Rochester. Perhaps if this insurance issue gets straightened out, he might still get the help he deserves.

Dennis showed me why he believes he has about 2 or 3 years to live. On all of the Parkinson's scale, it appears he is moving into the final stage of any movement disorder disease. Well, I already knew that, but haven't wanted to admit it to myself.

Justina, Dennis' Thursday and Friday PCA, is working out fine. Dennis enjoys her, she works hard and is nice to Dennis. For the first time in a while, I have been feeling better about going to work daily.

We were lucky enough to receive a few inches of snow just in time for my winter carnival event at school. Whew....I was getting a bit worried.

Have a great week ahead.
Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Sleeping

There are simply a few things that a person should not talk about when they wake up in the middle of the night and find their partner awake, too.

One is money and the other is death.

Dennis takes a light narcotic sleeping aide, that keeps bad dreams and movements at bay through the night. So when he brings up money worries or decides to tell me how long he believes he has to live, he falls asleep easily after he is finished. Me, I am kept awake for the remainder of the night.

Last night, however, after he announced at 1:30 am that he thinks he has about 2 to 3 years to live, I got up and took one of his pills.

I know, I really do know, that prescribed meds should never be shared. But I also know that going to work without my eight hours is an equally bad idea. So I took one pill and slept until the alarm went off at 5:30.

I suppose I should go back and finish the conversation with Dennis at a time other that the middle of the night. I should also talk to my doctor about a proper sleeping pill for me, for times just like this.

It might also help if I brought a large hammer to bed, and smacked Dennis when he brings up inappropriate night time conversation. But that could lead to jail time, and that has to be worse than taking a prescribed drug, without a prescription.

An Extra Day Off

Today is President's Day, an extra day off. Dennis asked his PCA to come in late, rather than not come in at all. I am going to be care free, for a few hours.

I have been sitting here for about 15 minutes, re-reading that sentence. I guess I have nothing else to say right now. So, there it is. I will be care free for a few hours. And that is enough.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

When Dennis and I were a younger couple, he would send me roses on Valentine's Day and have them delivered to my work site. A few years ago, I encouraged him to stop this insanity. The roses at Valentine's Day were too forced, and died within a few days. He didn't argue, and the deliveries stopped.

Today, I was called to the office during breakfast duty. The most gorgeous long stemmed, scented, red roses in a crystal vase were waiting for me. The card read, "Remember when I used to send you flowers?, Love Dennis."

I love this guy.

Dang It, I Hate Being Human

Some evenings, like this one, I do everything I can think of, rather than write in my blog. Why is this? Writing should be (and really is) a way to clear myself of what is and isn't working. It should feel good. But I still avoid it, some days.

I do the same thing with exercise. Actually, I don't exercise, much. So I don't really do the same thing. I do blog, most nights and I also avoid exercise, most nights. And both make me feel better, in the long run. Hmmmm. I need to think this through... but I don't really want to, tonight, at least.

I guess it comes down to the question of how we choose to live our lives. Do we want to wallow in what is icky in our lives, or do we decide to do what makes us feel good? I have never understood why we decide to make poor choices. Sheese. My paying job and my personal life, could be so much better if I could figure out my own motivation. Is it really just denial?

I hate to think, or to know, that I am so easily explained by mere labels.

Until later
Ann and Dennis

A Substitute Teacher

The speech therapist at school is on vacation and we have had a substitute all week. I usually try to meet all subs and give them a heads up on difficult children and our school expectations. I found this particular woman while she was talking with a group of some of my favorite classroom teachers. It seems they had worked together in the past, and had enjoyed each others company.

Yesterday, she came to me and asked if we could speak privately. It was no big deal, but it ended up in a very nice conversation.

She is has stage 4 cancer. To look at her, you would never guess that she has a life sentence hanging over her head. She has chosen to live each day full of joy and full of life. She is living focused on what is right and not on what is wrong.

She and talked about how a person actually accomplishes this goal. I think a happy spirit, to begin with, helps. She thought a person simply needed to adopt this way of thinking.

I doubt if either of us has the answer to how to meet this particular goal, but I do know that she and I, and Dennis and her husband, are all working on it daily. I suppose that, ultimately, is what is important - know your goal and work.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Upping the Anty

One of the reasons that I wanted to write a daily blog* is to track how Dennis is doing, physically and mentally. It helps me to keep aware of his past, present and future.

I do recall writing about that dreaded call out when I return home from work not too long ago. I didn't realize it was as recent as a week ago.

So, when I came home today and heard Dennis yelling, "Help!", I knew it was time to put my foot down, once again. Oh, how I hate doing this and how he hates hearing this. But it is a natural consequence. He needs to stay where he is after his PCA leaves and until I come home, or we will need to find someone to be here every minute I am not at home.

Right now it has been close to 2 hours that he has been on the floor, in one position or another, because his body is fatigued. He had held himself in place for an hour waiting for me, and he wants to just stay in one place while he recoups. I understand, but I cannot let this happen again.

His falls have reduced since last year, but now he has another non-negotiable regarding taking care of himself. Once his PCA has left, he needs to stay in bed, his chair or wherever he is put, until I return home. Otherwise, we will need to up the anty, once again.

Until later,

Ann and Dennis

*I tried, so hard, to write daily. It was a goal that I was unable to keep.