Being Ann

My parents both had complicated names. My mother's was Avyril Maxine Peterson, and my father's was Robert Steinsland Osterhus. Actually, my mother got the worst of the deals after she and dad got married. This is probably unnecessary to say, but that is how the three of us kids ended up with one syllable first names; Paul, Ann, Jane.

Like most names, people have taken advantage of even 'Ann' as a way to tease, delight or be a bit rude. I don't suppose any name is immune to being twisted and turned into something different.

But the only thing that ever bothered me was when someone was saying "and" and I would hear "Ann." Mostly this happened at school. The teacher would be lecturing and saying something dull and useless, and then he would say "and.........?". Hearing "Ann.....?", I would answer, "Yes?", and everyone would stare at me. Oops, caught day-dreaming again.

Sometimes my siblings would also take advantage of 'Ann' and 'and'. There was always a bit of delight when a Christmas gift tag said "Paul And Jane". Ha. Ha. Ha.

Now I am facing another way the name Ann is giving me something else to dismay me.

Dennis' grunts are becoming more and more easily mixed up with my name.

As Dennis' speech deteriorates, many words are becoming simply vowels. For a long while my name was "Annnnnnnnnnnnn...Annnnnnnnnnnnn...Annnnnnnnnn", but now it is simply "aaaaa..aaaaaaaaa..aaaaaaaaaa." This is not easily distinguished from "Ehhhhh...ehhhh...ehhh" or "Uuuuuuu...uuuu...uuuuu".

So I find myself getting up and checking on him even more often that he actually does call me. Last night I was up twice only to figure out that he was just grunting in his sleep. This afternoon, I checked on a grunt more often than I checked on his "Ann".

And that's what life is like being Ann.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

I Love This Man!

Dennis has not been feeling well for a few days now. His strength is low, he feels spacey often and he has been having difficulty consuming enough calories each day.

I have been wallowing in my self pity for a much longer time, and have been drinking when I get bored and frustrated.

We both called each other on the other's behavior.Dennis needs to get more calories and I need to be in control when I am taking care of Dennis.

I heard you Dennis. I have been drinking too much and you get scared. My behavior causes you to feel concerned for your own safety and well-being. Will I be able to take care of you in an emergency?

Then you added an out for me. If I wanted to over-indulge, I may, but I need to find a PCA to be with you and care for you.

I just told you to consume more calories.

Is it any wonder that I love you so much?

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Retirement, Yes!

Looking back over the past week, I know am positive that I will be good at retirement.

I loved having the opportunity and energy to spend time with Dennis. Just hanging around the house, helping him out with his chores, his nagging me, my nagging him. going out for a movie or a ride - just being together.

I also enjoyed having the time and energy to indulge in some of my own fun. Dancing in the house to a stupid song, painting and writing, sleeping without an alarm, and eating and peeing when nature called.

I have practiced retirement for a few years now, whenever I was on a break from school. But this time was different. I was really looking at my day to day life to see how retirement fits me. And, it fits quite nicely, thank you very much.

June 10 is the last day at school. I look forward to the next chapter of my life, starting on June 11, 2010.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Ann, Replenishing

My third day off for replenishing Ann, so she can work and play once again without crying or yelling.

I have made a list, and checked off many items on that list, of little things that need to get done. You know the stuff - getting tax papers in order, calling and making appointments (retirement, psychiatrist, etc) that bog a person down.

Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for a medication check. We switched up the anti-depressant to a stronger type, with fewer side effects. I also had an opportunity to speak out and share my frustrations.

Today I got my hair colored to a lower maintenance color. I was blond and am now caramel with blond streaks. I feel renewed.

I shared an analogy with Dennis and Raquel this morning that I often use with teachers. I consider mental health like a money in a bank. You must put money in (or positive feelings) before you can take money out (like asking for something from someone or getting mad at someone). Then I took two small bowls and filled them with some spare change. I told Dennis that I could go back to work when the "bank bowl" was filled with the change. I put a coin in for my haircut and another in or a thank-you from Dennis.

So far, I feel a bit more relaxed, but still highly on edge. Hopefully another week of the stress of work off of my back will provide enough time to refill the bank.

Depleted

The other day someone asked, what super power would you want, if you could have one? My immediate answer was to have unending emotional strength. Unfortunately, I am human, and have no super powers. But I do have the ability to recognize when I am depleted.

And right now, I am depleted. I have decided to take the rest of this week off, and probably next week, too. I need to replenish myself, take care of my emotional and physical needs, and let go of stress.

I have a plan. I made my list this morning and have already made an appointment with a doctor. I made a list of everything that I have put off in the past month. I will check off each of these and then write some short term and long term goals to keep emotionally and physically healthily. I have put myself on the back burner for too long now.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

Changes, Care-giving and Other Such Stuff

It is Saturday morning shower time for Dennis. Once we get his poopy butt clean, he sits in an IKEA metal chair for the rest of his shower. At this stage of the shower, I get about fifteen minutes to myself.

We purchased a baby monitor a few months back, and it works like a dream. I no longer have to sit in the bathroom to watch for problems. Then we bought an extension shower head, so he can turn the water off and on by himself. These to simple solutions bring me 15 minutes of peace on Saturdays.

As a care-giver, I have learned to relish these moments of worry free times. Sure, I still need to be here, and yes, I must be attentive, but it still gives me a few minutes of hands off care-giving.

When I was a young teen, I hated baby sitting and decided never to have children. And here I sit enjoying the freedom that a baby monitor gives to me. When I was an older teen, my grandmother, Ho Ho, needed to have help when my grandfather went to work. I adored her, but really did not like looking after someone who needed help. When I first went to college, I wanted to become a nurse, but I found out. I did not really like sick people. Yet, here I am.

Life stands in the way of plans and contradicts our belief systems. I always knew I could never do what I am doing, today. Yet, I suppose I must have been wrong. What do I believe now? I am not sure, not quite yet, but I think that it is much different than what I have always known to be my own reality.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

A Balancing Act

I am trying to figure out how to handle being a care-giver to two people. I am not my mother's official or primary care-giver, but she does depend on me for quite a bit, and these needs will only grow as time goes by. (I hear a tune in my ear...). We pay for Dennis to have a PCA while I am at work, but I am always his primary. I might as well admit that, at work, I am also more or less a care-giver. I help adults. parents and children figure out how to play the game of school. Well, maybe that's more a problem solving job, but some of the individuals really need lots of attention.

For a change, I am not complaining. I am trying to figure out how to find real balance in my life without turning into a drunk or a bitch. Or, for that matter, both.

Today, at work, I presented the new plan for a positive school climate. Translate positive school climate to mean poor behavior, and some teachers get their dander up. It's a sore topic, no matter how a person approaches it. My boss and I found a fun way to approach the topic, and, at least for today, it worked.

Then I came home. A message from Dennis' PCA, a message from Jones-Harrison, mom's new home, and a message from the Air Force, mom's insurance provider. There is always more work.

I know I am only working 4 days a week this year. But we haven't decided if this means more work for me, or if we will pay for someone to come in for Dennis on my day off. My boss, also, hasn't figured out that I am unavailable on Fridays - she has staff meetings and training she wants me to attend on those days.

I also am better than most at finding ways to take care of myself. I am basically a selfish person, so I am skilled at putting myself at the forefront. But this is all so new to me. I will figure it out, I always do, but if you have any good advice, I am listening.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis

I Need a Break

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Oh, my, a bit of a rant, would you say?

I have been Dennis only care giver for the past 5 weeks, give or take a day or two when Raquel was here before the surgeries. I am tired and need a day away.

I am expecting Raquel this morning, but she had a bit of trouble lately, and may not be able to show up. Or if she does show up, she most likely will be late. You just never know with Raquel. She has proven to be pretty reliable when I am working, but she falls down a bit when I am on vacation. She would never leave Dennis purposely alone, but she feels a bit less needed when I am at home.

Not true, girl. I need you this week more than I have in a very long time.

And, guess who just walked in! My savior, Raquel. Cheerful, loving, Raquel. Thank you Lord, for delivery her to me, just when I need her most. I can leave the house. I can leave the house. I am free!

Sorry, I am not about to waste any more time writing. I am going to head for the shower and make my way out of here as fast as possible.

Until later,
Ann and Dennis and Raquel

Work Me

Today this entry will be all about me. Well, at the least the Day Me, the me most of you don't know. This is the me that keeps me out of trouble, from 8 to 5, five days a week, 10 months a year. In other words, it's about me and work.

I am responsible for the "climate", (no, not the temperature) at school. I am the one who is held accountable for all of the students knowing the rules and living by the rules. In return I dole out (positive and negative) consequences for their choices. This also means, I am the one who is held responsible to make sure all of the teachers spend the time to teach the kids the rules. While I am able to reward them for doing their job, I am not able to hand out negative consequences.

Guess which one is the more difficult?

One of my responsibilities is to pull off a monthly reward celebration for children who honor the rules. While these happenings need to be motivating enough for children to look forward to earning, they don't need to be extremely memorable.

Last year we had a policeman bring in his partner, the police dog. I was preparing for the guy to show some of the moves the dog could make. At the very least I expected the dog to demonstrate some jumps. Unfortunately, the dog was only for show, and the policeman just talked to the kids. Toward the end of an agonizing 20 minutes, he eventually took out a rope and played tug-of-war with the dog. This is what the kids will recall, the last 30 seconds of the event.

See? The kids looked forward to seeing the police dog, but it definitely was only slightly memorable.

This year we will start off, on Tuesday, with Beach Blanket Bingo. We have Bingo Cards using all of the words from our expectations (rules). Sandy, the Jenny Lind All Star Staff Member forever, will read the words over the loudspeaker. As kids win at Bingo, they will come to the center of the school to collect their Grab Bag Prize. Then it's over. At least until the last day of the next month.

Anyhoo, that is what I do for about 20 minutes, out of one day, out of 197 duty days, of each school year. This means that you now know just a teeny bit more about me. Well, at least my Day Me.