Sugar in the Morning, Sugar in the Evening

With Jane and Ralph finally here from London, we are ready to celebrate Christmas on New Years Eve. Secretly Dennis and I will also be celebrating our 10th Anniversary. Neither of us believe he will make it to our real anniversary date in May.

Yesterday was a day filled with frustration and anger. Dennis had an appointment for a feeding tube change and I asked Raquel if she would take him by herself. It did not turn out well. They exchanged unkind words and he came home angry and she came back crying. I let her go for the day.

Then Dennis and I joined Jane, Ralph, Hamed and Ashely for lunch at a local Persian/Turkish restaurant and Dennis was still in a mood and I was angry with him for running off Raquel. We made it through lunch, but the drive home was a bit hincky.

A new perspective came to me this morning. I have too many rules that I have put in place to keep Dennis alive longer. He can't have anything with sugar, corn syrup, dairy products, etc - anything that causes phlegm build-up. He can't eat anything after 2 pm, because he just spits it up and makes a mess for me to clean up. He can't eat in the car for the same reason.

All of these rules are in place for his benefit - or are they? I really prefer not having to vacuum out the crap in his throat each night from over indulging on sugary stuff. His doctor did say no more food so he would not choke at night. I hate cleaning the floor every day, every where he has decided to munch on food.

I could give up any kind of food so easily, but Dennis lives for food. Other than me, food is his number one love. Especially anything with sugar. He lives for desert. My sister understands this - she makes sure he always has a pie whenever he comes over.

This morning I understood that I was taking away his life from him. Oh, I was doing everything that I could to lengthen his life, but I wasn't giving him what he really wants - control over his own life.

So after today (so he can eat and talk tomorrow) he can eat and do whatever he wants. If he wants sugar, he can have it. Chips, not a problem. A bag of sugar, a cookie, whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. I will dig the food he cannot swallow out of his mouth. I will pick up the spills and spit from the floor and his chest. And I will not complain.

I did sob and cry and sob some more all day, though. I don't want him to die. But he will, he is dying. And I don't want to fight with him anymore about anything. We just do not have that much time together anymore.

Until later,
Dennis and Ann

A Good Sunday

Happy Easter. In Minneapolis, it is a beautiful spring day. The temp is running in the upper 50's and the sun is shinning. I have two lamb shanks in the oven filling the condo with great smells. Perfection.

This is the last day of my spring break. I accomplished almost everything on my list. My taxes are done, and I get a small rebate. The insurance problems might actually be fixed, finally (keeping my fingers crossed) and there are only 8 or 9 weeks left of this school year.

Dennis has his nurse and PT visits set up for the upcoming week, and he is scheduled for another class at Pathways. He has recovered from his last hospital stay and is in pretty good spirits.

This is going to be a wonderful spring.

Ann and Dennis

Groceries

I was happy when Dennis told me this morning, that he was not leaving the flat today. It was a grocery shopping, and taking him to the grocery store is no longer easy. It's the wheel chair problem.

If we are only picking a few items, we can place a basket in his lap and fill it up. He doesn't mind being a pack mule every once in a while. If I remember to bring the plastic, reusable grocery bag, we can handle a larger load.

But today was a replenish the pantry and the freezer, shopping day.

A few weeks ago, we tried having Dennis push the cart, while I pushed him. It was moderately successful. While we did not knock over any displays, or old people, we did manage to force a few people to back up the aisle. We also irritated a few customers, and created a minor scene over by the bakery, when Dennis spotted the pies.

I wasn't relishing repeating the whole experience, so I did it, willingly, on my own.

Grocery shopping, like so many aspects of our lives, has changed for us since Dennis was diagnosed with Parkinson's. Some of these changes don't matter to either of us, but this is one that is a bit tough.

Dennis likes picking out food - especially junk food. I am not a huge fan of grocery shopping. To me, it just means more work. First you shop, then you carry, then you put the groceries away. As if all of isn't enough, then I am stuck with having to cook the stuff.


Enough whining already. I have a turkey to bake!

Until Tomorrow,
Ann and Dennis